So basically it goes like this: 

I hate name droppers. Always have. I overheard someone say Bobby DeNiro at a café and I almost lost my shit like, “Oh? Bobby? Good old BOB DENIRO YOUR SUPER GOOD FRIEND?” and promptly stormed home to write scathing commentary on the internet like a modern man.

Instead I made a string of idiotic Twitter ‘conversations’ between myself and various celebrities. A lot of them, in fact. I would wake up for work at 6:45 in the morning and curse god and whiskey and the crushing, inexorable weight of living and write four or five of these dipshit things to try to clear the cobwebs out of my brain. After a while I realized I had around 200 of them, so I compiled them into a ‘zine because I like making ‘zines. I’m really good at it. I fold and staple them myself and everything. (I think it’s 1994 all the time) I titled the ‘zine after its format, so it is called SO ME AND YOU ARE READING THIS ‘ZINE AND YOU’RE ALL LIKE, “WHOA, THIS IS GREAT,” AND I’M ALL, “I KNOW.” which can be easily shortened to the much simpler to remember SMAYARTZAYALWTIGAIAIK.

I realized you couldn’t just throw the Twitter conversations together without some sort of premise, hence that intro on the homepage. I decided to bookend them with short burst of fiction just to make it seem like I had a point other than being a fucking idiot.

While the initial premise remains the same, the fiction has … grown, I guess. Gotten worse. Hell, I don’t know. It got bigger, that’s for sure. I’m still writing the ending, but in the meantime here are all of the contents of the original ‘zines, on the internet because that’s what people like.

If you happen to be one of the few people who still prefers the printed word, you can PayPal me $3.00 per issue to j.m.valmassoi@gmail.com with your name and address and I will totally ship them right to your door. There are 7 issues at present, and if you want all of them I’ll take a flat $20, which is a HUGE discount.

Bargain basement prices. Rock bottom deals. We will not be undersold.

I hope you enjoy it. If not, fuck you.